Lovino Wants To Retire
by SpeakingThroughWrittenWords
Summary: Being a plumber is not easy. Mario!AU. Two-shot. For DeLurk.
1. Problem

**Lovino Wants To Retire**

"This is the last straw."

Gilbert looked up from his cereal, managing to swallow before he spoke. "Uh... okay? Vhat are you talking about?"

Francis sighed, running his hands back through his hair, tugging at it as if that pain would keep his anger in check. It did not appear to be working. Gilbert got up and put himself behind his chair. "The. Turtles."

Now that he knew the anger was no longer directed at him, Gilbert sat back down in his chair. "Vhat about dem?"

"They have to go."

"Okay."

"There are too many of them."

"I'm vith you on dat."

"I don't care what Antonio has to say about it anymore."

Gilbert pulled a turtle out of his bowl, looking with irritation down at his food. So much for that. "Broken de news yet?"

Francis clicked his tongue against his teeth. "I'm telling _you_, Gilbert. If you haven't convinced Antonio to call someone before I get home from work today..."

"_I'm_ in trouble?"

"_Pas des tortues plus_!" Francis snapped. "_Pas!_" With that exclamation, he stomped off.

"Good luck vith dose fire flowers!" Gilbert called after him, nearly setting his elbow on another turtle. Francis made a noise which sounded like a scoff. "Don't get caught by your girlfriends!"

Francis slammed the door shut. Gilbert moved the turtle.

Tell Antonio he had to get rid of the turtles and they had to cut off their pipes? Yeah. Yeah right. Gilbert needed to keep the lines open. Still... Francis appeared to be on his last legs, so he might as well pretend he was going to do something about the matter. And getting rid of the turtles would be liberating.

_I know a guy who knows a guy_, Gilbert thought with a shrug. After all, he was _not_ asking his brother. Sure plumbers were expensive, but... it was Antonio's fault and Francis wanted it. The two of them could pay.

Time to convince Antonio that the turtles had to go.

* * *

"I think it's time to start talking about retiring," Lovino spat out pieces of toad. His brother, wiping toad slime out of his eyes, stared at him as though he were insane.

"Lovino! I'm only twenty two!"

"That's ancient, in plumbing years!" Lovino snapped at him, hitting the side of the pipe they were in with his plunger.

Actually, that was a lie. Thirty was ancient in plumbing years. Twenty four was when most of them kicked the bucket. Lovino was twenty four. He was not going to goad fate. Plus, they had not found any gold coins. Aka: it was not worth every other shitty thing that had happened.

Literally.

Feliciano pouted. Lovino wondered whether the toad had done any lasting damage to Feliciano's brain. Lovino was always wondering that. Which made him wonder why he even had to think about it now, like it was something new to bring up. That was just silly. Feliciano was really dumb, by Lovino's standards.

Climbing out of the pipes, for the millionth time in his career Lovino knew he had returned at the wrong time. The couple that lived here were in a conversation he did not want to hear.

"Arthur, either you tell him or I tell him. I can't see him running from this!"

"For the last time, no. I will not."

"But why?"

Lovino hit the side of the pipe loudly before he stuck his head up, hoping they would have at least heard _that_. "The toad is gone."

Both of them sighed. "What a relief," Arthur said, actually lending Lovino a hand.

He seemed to regret it afterward, with all of the toad he got on his hand, but did not withdraw. Still, it left Lovino to hold a hand out to his brother and Feliciano nearly slid back down the pipes before he got out.

"I really wish to know when the mutations started toads on eating aquarium fish, but..." Arthur cut that thought off, Angelique behind him slightly teary eyed at the thought of all of her fish that had been eaten. Lovino had thought it a bad idea to mention how much he personally liked seafood. Not from pipes though.

"No more toads through these pipes!" Feliciano proclaimed proudly. "You have the Vargas' word on that!"

"We'll close this up and get out of your hair," Lovino continued, managing to refrain from spitting. There was still toad in his mouth. Damn.

"Would either of you... like a shower?" Angelique queried.

"Yes!"

"But brother... the _pipe_..."

"After we finish up, if the offers still open," Lovino added.

"Of course!" the girl (obviously from some faraway island, for who else would have that tan and walk around here with bare feet when they were getting toad guts on her hardwood floors?) smiled. Lovino guessed she really wanted them out of here. Lovino could appreciate the sentiment. Four years ago, Lovino had dragged his brother into the profession of plumbing. The pipes were the place to be. One could get rich off of what could be found there and only plumbers could go in. It seemed the perfect get-rich-quick scheme. What were the chances that they would be the ones coming across everything that could go wrong in the profession?

A million to one. Lovino hated the stupid man who came to his high school on Career Day and had put the idea in his head. Alfred Jones could go to hell. As soon as they were out of the apartment, Lovino said so.

"Stupid Jones, he can go to hell. Retirement, Feli. We've gotten by on little already, might as well _continue_ to do so."

"I'm only twenty two!" Feliciano wailed. "And we're stretched tight as it is! If we go, who will take all the calls?"

"Some new, stupid, young people who think for some reason it's a great idea to become a plumber!"

"Lovi! I'm only twenty two!"

Lovino grumbled. If he had to hear his brother tell him how old he was again, Lovino might just push him back in the pipes. Their life insurance policy was excellent, Lovino could live like a king if his brother did not come back out of the plumbing.

By the time they were done there and heading back home, Feliciano was rambling about what he was going to make for dinner and Lovino was planning what he would do with the rest of his life. They just were not successful enough to buy more lives, they each only had one. And Lovino wanted to do a lot more with this one. He was not quite certain _what_ yet, but he wanted the time to think about it.

Then his cell phone went off. Lovino took it out and tried to throw it off the bridge.

"No, brother!"

"I'm not answering it!"

"You have to! It might be grandpa!"

Lovino glowered at his brother before answering. "The Vargas Brothers. We're retiring tomorrow, so this better be quick."

"They're forcing me to do this!"

"Uh..."

"I promise that I'd never get rid of them willingly!"

Lovino stared at the phone for a moment before putting it back to his ear. "You're calling for some plumbers, right?"

"They're my babies, I can't just evict them!"

"What the fuck?"

Whoever the idiot was on the other side of the phone seemed to stop rambling about whatever it was he was talking about and finally breathe. "I suppose I have my hands full... The turtles keep coming in through the plumbing."

He had heard of that one before. Never that reaction though. Lovino felt like hanging up. "Turtle infestation? We can take care of that." _Fuck yeah._

"Infestation? You make it sound like a bad thing~!"

"Just give me your goddamn address," Lovino said, ignoring anything else the man could possibly say. After all, how weird could one man be?

"Gilbert? What's our address?"

Lovino was dreading this one.

* * *

"Wow brother... that's a lot of turtles."

"Are you sure you're not letting them in!" the elder brother barked.

"By having pipes?" Antonio asked.

That was the last either of the brother's spoke to him. Not the the younger had not tried to, but the Vargas in charge was insistent on their job. Antonio kept peeking in to check on them, ask if they were thirsty, make certain Lovino would not step on any of his turtles, the works.

He was not certain what exactly they were going to do to make certain the turtles stopped coming up either. Honestly, he was curious.

"What are you doing now~?"

"Well–"

"Trying to work, dammit! Do you want us to do this or not?"

"Of course! I didn't just call you to have two cute young men working in my apartment~"

Feliciano giggled. Lovino looked scandalized. "You're about to have a lot more _turtles_ in your apartment if you don't _shut up_."

Antonio smiled. After all, he did not mind either way. It was Francis who was going ballistic. Perhaps trying to go out with two different women at the same time was too much for him now that he actually had a steady job. Either way...

"You like your job?" he asked Lovino cheerfully, the brother in question slowly lowering something into the pipes to Feliciano who was not in view.

"No," Lovino said flatly. "We're retiring tomorrow."

"Really?" Antonio asked whimsically, wondering what it would be like to retire so young. Then again, plumbers got all the breaks in society. Made up for the fact a lot of them liquefied or were crushed or fell down pits. At least, society liked to say the perks made up for that.

"What d'you think?" Lovino shot back. Antonio smiled.

"I used to wonder what it would be like to be a plumber, but a friend of mine quickly dissuaded any interest."

"Good for him."

"His name was Roderich. He was very good with numbers and so tallied up how much I would likely loose in a year and how much time I would have wasted."

"Do I sound like a care?"

"Your personality doesn't match your face."

Lovino instantly reddened at that, whether from embarrassment or embarrassment _and_ anger Antonio could only guess (his money was on the former). "And your face needs to shut up!"

"Dat de plumber?" Antonio turned around to look at Gilbert, who had poked his head into the room.

"His brother's down in the pipes~!" Antonio nodded. Lovino scowled again and went to ignoring the both of them.

"How long vill dis take?" Gilbert asked Lovino. Lovino ignored him.

"I don't mind it taking a while," Antonio admitted. Whether it was because Lovino was funny to bother or because it meant the turtles could come and go as they pleased for longer he decided not to pinpoint. Once again he moved one aside before Lovino could step on it.

"Will you people just let me work?" Lovino snapped. Gilbert rolled his eyes and left. Antonio settled himself against the wall.

"How long have you been a plumber for?" he asked Lovino.

Lovino groaned.

Which was right when some sort of alarm went off. Lovino blinked a few times before sticking his head down the pipe. "The hell is that, Fel?" Feliciano yelled something in response, but not even Lovino seemed to be able to understand what it was he had said. "What?"

"Shroom sensor!"

Antonio blinked as the plumber faced him with his face. "What's that?"

"You're under arrest for the possession of illegal substances," Lovino said, sounding (and looking) a little too pleased to be saying that. "I guess I might not retire... just yet."

"You can't arrest me for something I'm not actually possessing," Antonio tried to protest as Lovino turned away once more to pull out some cuffs.

"Why not?"

"Well... I suppose because I have two roommates, both with records," Antonio shrugged as the handcuffs were slapped on his wrists. "You just met the worst of them~"

The other hesitated, staring at the irons. "Then why are you so fucking happy?"

"Huh?" Antonio asked cheerfully. After all, what would be the point in getting upset? This was a misunderstanding and he had not done anything wrong... being upset would be pointless.

"Ugh," Lovino shook his head, as if he were trying to forget he asked the question. Antonio could not fathom why. Did he really want to know?

"It's just that–"

"_**Feliciano!**_ What's taking you so long?" Even Antonio knew that when someone did not respond when they should from the pipes, there was something wrong. Lovino let out another curse (though this time it was quiet enough Antonio could not pick out which particular one he had decided to use) as he pulled out his radio. "Why are you going further in, idiot?"

The echo of his words came up the pipes.

Lovino swallowed, then stuck his head into the pipe.. "...Feli?"

Silence.

"The turtles could have distracted him," Antonio suggested helpfully.

Lovino did not bother to glare at him this time.

* * *

"Fuck! I paid you guys! You aren't supposed to do dis! Hey!"

Feliciano '_ve~d_'. He really wished he could have said this was the first time he had gotten kidnapped while on the job because one of the clients happened to be involved in shroom trafficking. Actually, he could say this was the first time. Both had happened before, but never together. So that made it a new experience in its own!

"You look like someone I know!" he said cheerfully to his fellow captive.

"Dat's great, but I'm busy here, kid."

"Kid? I can't be too much younger than you..." Feliciano tried to think about how old the other man looked, but simply became distracted by the fact he looked familiar. "You're not related to Beilschmidt, are you?"

"I _am_ Beilschmidt!"

"Ludwig! You've changed!"

"Vhat de hell? He's my bruder."

"I've worked with him a couple times," Feliciano reminisced happily. "He and Honda are really good! They've got me and my brother out of a lot of tight spots – they're like my heroes!"

Ludwig's brother groaned. "Don't remind me."

"Is he your hero too?"

"No! Vhat's vrong vith you? Ve've been tied up by _turtles_!"

Feliciano could not be too bothered. Lovino would save him. Lovino was good at saving him. And if all else failed, maybe another plumber would show up. Ludwig and Kiku might be the plumbers (other than Lovino, of course!) that he liked the most, but it did not mean the rest were incompetent. There had to be others around here somewhere!

So he was not worried.

"I'll admit, I was surprised they were able to knot the ropes!"

Feliciano thought he heard Gilbert start to sob.

* * *

Today was turning out to be a pretty terrible day.

"Kidnapped?" his stupid client asked. Certainly he would get himself in trouble somehow otherwise (as he appeared to be like his brother, someone who needed help tying his shoes), Lovino decided to leave the handcuffs on him. For his own safety, of course. "Why?"

"Just stuff that happens in the business, dammit. Nothing to do with you." Quickly, Lovino went to look through their supplies. Cape feathers? They still had those? Too bad he did not know if that would even come in handy. He hoped not, if he did not have to use them he could sell them after today. Tomorrow was retirement. He would just keep looking forward to that. ...Lemon candy? Pasta? Why was Feliciano carrying this crap? The lemon candy, that is. Lovino pocketed the container with the pasta.

"So... what are we going to do?"

"You're going to stay here. Out of the way." He did not have any fire flowers. Damn.

"...but with Gilbert gone and Francis at work I'm the only one at home. So if they come back they'll take me too, right?" Antonio still sounded cheerful. Lovino's eyebrow twitched.

"...I wish they _would_ take you..."

"What?"

"Shut up!" Lovino snapped. He went looking through Feliciano's wallet, which he had thankfully left up here. Not thankfully enough, because there was not much in it. "I don't care, I'm going in for my brother. I don't care about your roommate."

Antonio stopped to think about it. "What about your paycheck?"

Lovino hesitated.

"I can't give it to you if I'm kidnapped~!"

"Why are you so happy about saying that?" Lovino exclaimed.

Antonio smiled. "Because you'll have to take me with you."

"SO?" Lovino glared.

"I think you're cute."

Lovino opened his mouth to retort when it sunk in. "Gu– whu– hu– you–" Antonio's smile widened and Lovino managed to get past his mental block. "Sh-shut up! No I'm not! Go away! I'm leaving."

"So... am I going away or are you leaving?"

"I said shut up!" Lovino shouted, picking up his bag and heading into the pipe. Time to follow after whatever path he could find down here.

"Oof!"

Lovino shut his eyes. He did not have to turn around to know he would see Antonio, who had fallen into the pipe since he could not climb down with his hands.

"Wow... I've never been down here before!"

"Because it's illegal, moron! Now you _should_ be under arrest!"

"Ha ha~"

He was not taking it seriously, but Lovino certainly was. Those handcuffs were going to stay _on_. In fact, if he could leave the Spaniard behind he would do so. Really quickly. Lovino quickly made his way down the pipeline, hearing the sounds of Antonio struggling to his feet behind him. He quickly left him behind.

And stopped. _Dammit. Dammit, dammit._

"Are you keeping up or not?" Lovino shouted back at him. _Just because I don't want to deal with him doing something _really _stupid while I'm not looking and have that mess up my retreat or something._

"Coming!" Something bumped against his foot. Peering down, Lovino rubbed something fire petals together (all he really had left) for a bit of light. It was just another turtle. Wait a second...

"Fuck!"

* * *

_Meanwhile, somewhere a little more competent..._

"_Eins._"

"_二_."

"_Drei_."

They both picked out a straw. Ludwig had the short one. "Sorry," Kiku smiled softly. Ludwig shook his head.

"It vas eider you or me. I'll just get dis done vith."

It was probably best that Ludwig was the one who had to go. Kiku had not been paying much attention to anything since he had gotten his Yoshi egg. It was likely going to hatch soon as Kiku spent more than half the day staring at it as if that would make it crack faster. Ludwig was not looking forward to when it actually hatched. A Yoshi would be useful, but a baby one... with Kiku... Kiku with something small and cute...

Ugh.

So Ludwig found himself at the Braginski's mansion door, ringing the doorbell and patting the fire off his pant leg which had brushed by one of the many fire flowers. Ivan Braginski, the biggest producer of fire flowers, one of the most important supplies for a plumber, among other professions. They dealt with him on a regular basis because of this. They dealt with him even more because someone had to watch over the strange events which tended to happen around him.

"Ah... Beilschmidt?" Ivan asked, looking through his cracked door. "Can I help you?"

"I'm here to talk to you about Natalia," Ludwig sighed.

Ivan frowned, a long squiggly line on his face. It was rather impressive.

"She's been sending turtles into de pipes. I don't know vhy, but dey have been taking people. I'm sick of rescuing dem. Can you...?"

"Talk to her? _Da_." Ivan sighed. "...probably vants 'nozer trip or somezing..."

With that, the door shut. Ludwig patted his shoe out. He did not know how someone could deal with such an annoying girlfriend.

Then again, he dealt with Kiku and _he_ had his moments.

Ludwig sighed.

* * *

"Pas des tortues plus!" _= "No more turtles!"_

_I made up my own world based on Mario. Hetalia has made me do a lot of things I never would have thought of doing. Wow. Anyway, I hope this was satisfactory, DeLurk. I took everything more overboard than I had planned on, so I hope it was still humorous. I hope to have the second part finished soon._


	2. Sort Of Solution

**He Wants To Retire Even More Than Before And No, He Doesn't Know Where He's Going**

"They got tied up by turtles? No fucking way!"

Antonio tried not to wince as Lovino shouted right in his ear. "You're the one who keeps saying it!" he reminded the plumber cheerily, trying to stay upright.

It was difficult as Lovino was throwing him off balance and he could not use his arms to counteract it. The man had climbed right up Antonio, rambling on about evil turtles kidnapping people. Antonio did not understand what he was talking about and the turtles milled about Antonio as they usually did. Lovino had not seemed scared of them earlier, so Antonio could not understand what had changed his mind now. He leaned against the wall of the pipe in lieu of falling over.

"Now what?"

"We get out of here! We're completely surrounded! There're too many of them!"

Lovino's panic was adorable. What could turtles do? "What about your brother?" Antonio asked. "And Gilbert?"

"Fuck them! I don't want to be tied up by _turtles_."

Antonio laughed. "They can't tie you up silly, they have no fingers!"

Lovino growled (that was right in his ear too). Antonio could not get over the fact of just _how_ cute Lovino was despite his attempts toward the contrary. If he could manage to keep his balance he would not mind Lovino continuing to clamber all over him.

"...why aren't they doing anything to you?"

The fact that Lovino sounded as if he was asking a legitimate question finally made Antonio believe he was being serious about his suspicions over the turtles. Not that Antonio thought it based on anything, but if Lovino had a sudden fear of turtles it was more of a sad thing than something to make light of. "They really like me," he finally said, trying to catch a glimpse of Lovino's face.

"They're _turtles_."

"Yes, I had noticed."

"Like turtles like _anything_, goddammit."

"Lovino! Don't be so cruel~ Of course they have feelings!" Antonio cooed down at them. He flinched as Lovino hit him in the side of the head with his elbow.

"Don't just stand there!" Lovino muttered. "Get moving!"

"Moving where?" Antonio asked, confused.

"I don't care!" Lovino hollered right at the moment Antonio heard a creaking noise.

"What's that?" he asked, trying to look around. The turtles were scattering and he had an idea they should probably take a leaf out of their book and do the same.

"Ah, _hell_!" Lovino swore again. "It's not Friday! Why are the Cleaners on?"

"What's that?"

Climbing off of him, Lovino dusted himself off and then pointed behind him. Antonio was treated with the rather strange sight of an entire wall coming forward. Lovino did not even bother to run as the wall caught up with them. Slowly, it began to push the both of them forward.

Antonio tried to think of the point, but Lovino just looked annoyed. "What do they do?"

"Clean out the pipes, duh," Lovino said, folding his arms across his chest. "Which means we better get going before we hit the pits, because that's a one-way trip down to death." With that he began to walk away from the wall. Antonio stared at it coming still ever closer before he trotted after him. Lovino took a left, then a right, passed a few other pipes and took another left.

"Where are we going?"

"Hell if I know!" Lovino spat. "Somewhere! Just as long as those turtles aren't around. I'm not getting paid enough for this! Stupid brother..."

"But the turtles are right over there," Antonio nodded toward another pipeline. Lovino dove out of sight, while Antonio watched the turtles go. "That's funny, there walking in single file. How cu–"

The rest of his statement was cut off by Lovino grabbing him by the collar and yanking him so the turtles were out of sight. Unable to balance himself as he still could not use his arms, Antonio fell on top of him.

"Idiot, get off!"

"It would be easier to do so if I could use my hands," Antonio reminded him, shifting only a little bit so Lovino could understand his problem. If he stayed on top of the other, he might actually do it! Plus, he was turning bright red, which was adorable. "You know, you look just like a–"

"Don't," Lovino warned, glaring at him.

"Don't what?" Antonio asked.

"Say that."

"Say what?"

"Whatever it was you were going to say!" Lovino exclaimed, pulling out the handcuffs' key. "It sounded like it was going to be annoying and a rather overused line that you think is supposed to be endearing or some shit and makes me want to kill you. Let's not start that."

"Fair enough," Antonio responded, not understanding what Lovino was saying at all. Lovino unlocked his hands and Antonio stretched his arms out for relief.

"Get _off_ of me!" Lovino shouted at him.

"Sorry~" Which was when the both of them heard a **thwomp!** which made Lovino grow pale. "What was that?"

"Thwomp!"

"Whomp?" Antonio questioned, wondering what such a silly sounding word had to do with anything.

"No. Thwomp!" Lovino retorted, getting back to his feet. "Whomps are completely different!" Antonio waited for enlightenment to come, but it never did. Lovino moved over to look down the other pipeline again and Antonio got up to follow him. "Don't!"

"Now what?" Antonio asked, getting bewildered.

"Stay there," Lovino responded. "I can't afford to bring you back to life if you die, it's out of my budget."

"What's it like?" Antonio asked, right before Lovino stuffed something into his mouth. Antonio blinked, sucking on it. Lemon. It was tasty. "What's the problem?" he managed around the hard candy. "I thought you could use a star to deal with all of the problems down here!"

"Are you joking?" Lovino hissed back at him. "No one can afford stars any more! No one except for Alfred Jones. Fuck Alfred Jones."

"I met him! He was very nice–"

And once more Lovino jammed another lemon candy into his mouth. This time, Antonio nearly choked on it.

* * *

"Hey. Hey!"

"Why are you whispering?" Feliciano asked, halting his third run through _Lo Specchio D'Argento_. Gilbert was rubbing his wrists. "You got your hands untied!"

"Duh," Gilbert responded. "Vhich you vould have noticed if you veren't so busy being so... noisy. I'll get you next, turn around."

"No thanks," Feliciano shrugged. Gilbert's left eye twitched, which sort of reminded him of Lovino.

"Vhat? Vhy?"

"Because Lovino's going to save me, that's how these things work."

"No," Gilbert retorted. "Dat doesn't make sense. Vhy don't ve get out of here and save him de trouble, huh?"

Feliciano shook his head. "That's not how it works! If I get out, then he gets kidnapped, or I just get captured again. In the end, someone has to save someone. It would be boring otherwise."

The German narrowed his eyes. "Are you kidding me?"

"Nope," Feliciano shook his head. "And it's even worse when the clients try to save themselves, or one of us!" Before he could explain why, Gilbert muttered something in German and walked off. Feliciano nearly called after him in warning, but figured that meant the turtles would notice Gilbert sooner.

Feliciano winced and shut his eyes.

Two minutes later he was smiling apologetically at the furious man tied up beside him. "I tried to warn y–"

"Shut. Up." Gilbert growled.

Feliciano _ve~_ed.

* * *

Normally, following the turtles would have been easy. Pipe turtles tended to walk in one direction for a while until they bumped into something. Then they figured out another way to get where they were going. Which meant that Lovino could see if they were going to bump into something before then move somewhere else.

Unfortunately, his pay check lagging around behind him was in an entirely different world. He did not seem to understand the whole '_this is dangerous_' thing. On the other hand, when Lovino moved out of the way and Antonio did not, the turtles simply swarmed about the man like they _did_ like him. Just as he had said.

Not that Lovino would admit that. But if they were swarming about Antonio it meant Lovino could not follow them to where they had taken his brother (and the other idiot that had been taken with him).

"Stop it!" he whispered angrily at him. Antonio looked confused. Which seemed to be normal for him. Confused or happy. It made Lovino want to strangle something. Like his brother. Which he had already wanted to do when Feliciano got himself kidnapped. Again. And make him worry about the idea. _Again_.

Antonio's answer was cut off by another **thwomp!** which sounded too close for comfort. Not that Lovino had been comfortable hearing it before. Or hearing it at all, as a matter of fact. "What do Thwomps do?" Antonio asked.

"They kill you instantly," Lovino responded.

"Is that so...?"

"Hopefully," Lovino grumbled. After all, if anyone was alive after being crushed by rock he did not envy them the slow death that was likely to come soon after. Antonio went back to talking happily to the turtles. These were not the same type of turtles that had been swarming in his apartment. No, if Lovino had known _these_ turtles had been waiting nearby he would not have agreed to take the job. They were a bit bigger. One tried to throw something at him, so he stepped on it.

Or tried too.

"Don't be so hard on him, Lovi~ He doesn't know any better!" Antonio exclaimed, holding him back. Lovino's foot was _so close_ to the turtle, if only he could lean forward.

"You're not making my job any easier," Lovino glared over his shoulder at him.

**Thwomp! Thw–**

Both of them froze, Antonio clinging a bit tighter to his shoulders. "...and what was that?"

"Dunno," Lovino swallowed. Which was when he noticed the turtles beginning to mill away. "Shit. We need to get moving."

"Wh–"

"Oh my god," Lovino grabbed Antonio by the collar, "if you ask me one more question, I will have to kill you myself." Antonio actually looked surprised, then he was smiling once more. Which still did not change Lovino's feelings on the matter. "What?"

"What do you mean what?"

"I'm asking the questions here!"

"But I don't understand what you're asking!" Antonio protested, though not with much worry. Lovino screamed through his closed mouth as he let go of him. Which was right when Antonio picked him up.

"All right, that's it!" Lovino shouted. He was only distracted from that by the turtle that was standing near them, rope trailing behind it.

"I sort of do want to watch them tie a knot," Antonio said thoughtfully, keeping Lovino above turtle-level. The man had actually done something useful. Lovino could not believe it.

Then he promptly proceeded to screw it up.

"You really do look like a tomato."

With that, Lovino hit Antonio _really_ hard. With his head. Hard enough Lovino almost regretted doing it, because it hurt. Then again, it hopefully hurt Antonio more. Then again, again, he probably should not have done that while Antonio was holding him while above a turtle that wanted to tie him up.

It did not take long before his ankles and wrists were bound. It was uncomfortable.

"Oh... that's how!"

"Bastard," Lovino spat, face pressed against the ground.

"I guess I deserved that~" Antonio went on to say, as Lovino felt the other above him. "Hold on a second, I'm getting the ropes now... stop that..." It took him a moment to realize that Antonio was not saying that to him, but to the turtles. They still had not tied the Spaniard up, but he wondered just how long they could keep up the 'I-untie-one-rope-while-you-tie-the-other-one' game with his limbs. Eventually, it stopped.

... and Lovino's limbs were still tied. "Antonio?" he ventured as he felt the turtles begin to pull him along.

"Yes?"

"Did they tie you up?"

"Ha ha~!"

Lovino shut his eyes really tight, trying to abate a headache. "Can you get a hold on me?"

"A hold?"

"It's a yes or no question!" He felt Antonio shift around behind him. Then he felt Antonio grabbing a part of his anatomy which was not the type of hold he was asking for. "Hands _off_ my ass!"

"Whoops! Sorry~"

His headache was not going away. Lovino blamed it on the amount of blood that was currently rushing to his head. Though he felt like he had burnt out a bit, because it was mostly from embarrassment and less from anger. Eventually, Antonio grabbed his belt, which was not where he would have liked his hands either, but considering the situation Lovino was just going to have to deal with what he had. Doubling over the best he could, Lovino tried to reach what was in his pocket with his teeth.

"You're flexible," Antonio commented, though how he could even see what Lovino was doing was beyond him.

"Shut up, you don't even know the half of it."

"Then you should show me later~"

"Do you like getting sexual harassment suits?" Lovino snapped, teeth missing what he was trying to grab with the question.

"On... what do you mean?"

_Oh my fucking god, he doesn't even know he's doing it. That's just how stupid he is._ He grabbed the feather with his teeth and blew all of the air in his lungs on it.

They hit the ceiling before Lovino could try to make them move forward instead. The sound of Antonio's surprise was refreshing, as it meant he was somewhat normal. Trying to ignore that thought, Lovino did his best just to get them _away _from the turtles. To where? Just away. He would figure out the rest later. Maybe if he could get Antonio out of the pipes and then work on this himself...

He had wasted a _feather_ because of this man. It was going on his bill.

When the feather (and Lovino's lungs) had finally run out, they had settled on a ledge above the pipeline they had been on, heading off in another direction. While he gasped for breath, he felt Antonio's hands messing with his own, followed shortly after by the ropes falling off. Sitting up, he freed his feet as fast as possible.

"I didn't know plumbers could fly," Antonio finally said, sounding winded as well. Lovino smirked, staring at Antonio's back.

"Yeah, comes with the territory." Stretching out his fingers, he began to work on the knot at Antonio's wrists. As soon as he had finished that, Antonio sat up as well.

"Can we do it again?" he asked enthusiastically, ignoring his ankles.

"No," Lovino said immediately, right before his tone turned _extraordinarily_ pleasant, "but if you stay really quiet... I won't gag you."

Antonio opened his mouth to say something.

Fortunately, for the both them, Antonio realized he was not joking.

* * *

"How often does your brother get kidnapped?" Antonio asked, about an hour after Lovino's proposition. It was not like Antonio thought Lovino had forgot about it, but after hearing so much quiet swearing on the other man's part and having passed through the same pipe twice, Antonio needed some other distraction as Lovino obviously had not found anything to help him know where he was going.

"Once a month," Lovino responded. "Like clockwork. Doesn't make it less annoying."

The way Lovino said it, it seemed like it got more annoying. Which was nice, because it meant he was not getting used to his own brother being in danger. Though he could not imagine how they could have done so well at their jobs when constantly having to save themselves. Speaking of which...

"How often do _you_ get–" Lovino stopped in mid stride and Antonio bumped into him. "What is it?" he asked, looking around. Ahead of them in this pipeline there was a bunch of rubble, but other then that Antonio did not see anything else.

"_She_'s here," Lovino spoke quietly, eyes wide.

"Who's she?" Antonio whispered into Lovino's ear.

Lovino swallowed. "The only person in the world that can kill a Thwomp."

"How does she–"

"By looking at it," Lovino cut him off. It had to be an exaggeration, but by the look on Lovino's face he believed it wholeheartedly.

"So a Thwomp is a bunch of rock?" Antonio finally got clarified, looking at it's remains. It was actually a bit sad to think all of that was alive once. Sad, but also creepy to think that there was a being made entirely out of rock. Funny, the stuff he never heard about the pipes because he was not a plumber.

"I should have known she had something to do with this. Though... turtles? Really?" Lovino exhaled heavily, picking up a small rock and tossing it up in the air, catching it when it came back down. "What I wouldn't give for a fire flower."

"If I had known this was going to happen, I would have asked Francis to bring some from the store," Antonio agreed. Lovino's eyebrow twitched.

"Your... other roommate... is _that_ perv?"

"It sounds like we're talking about the same Francis!" Antonio responded cheerfully. Lovino pulled a face. "Yeah, I get that a lot about him~ He's a terrible guy!"

"Why do you say that with a smile?" Lovino asked.

"Because it's true," Antonio shrugged. "So's Gilbert. Our families don't call us the Bad Friends Trio for nothing."

Lovino stared at him for a few moments with an odd expression on his face. Antonio noticed some movement behind him and refocused his vision on the girl in the white and black dress which had somehow come up _really _close behind him.

"Is this 'she' someone we should worry about?"

"What?" Lovino blinked. "Well, yeah."

"Oh."

And before Antonio could tell Lovino it was time to worry a potato sack was placed over his head. And Lovino's. Lovino head butted his shoulder, thought thankfully not as hard as he had hit him earlier. Effectively their arms were pinned to their sides and pressed up against each other. It was a little worrisome, to say the least.

"Today is turning out to be interesting," Antonio told Lovino.

"I hate you," Lovino said. "So much."

Antonio did not think he meant it, but as he was actually concerned about the situation, and because they were being dragged along the ground, it sort of hurt to respond. They did not spend too much time like this though, because it was not long before whoever she was had stopped because of her cell phone. It went on speaker and her hands never seemed to leave the rope she had tied around their ankles.

"Ivan?"

"Natalia... ve need talk. Vhy vas your phone off?"

"I was out of service reception."

"...Never mind. You're going overboard cleaning out pipes, stop taking people from zeir own houses."

"I thought I was doing as you wanted," this Natalia responded, sounding rather put out.

"_Ah_, just come home. Ve go over zis later."

**Thud**, they hit the ground. Antonio heard her run off. Lovino shifted and jabbed his shoulder into Antonio's neck.

"Sorry."

"I wasn't aware potato sacks could trap someone so thoroughly." Antonio gave an apology of his own when he tried to pull his feet back against the resistance of Lovino's own body. "I've learnt an awful lot today." Like he had always thought a plumber's job was a bit more dignified than this. Then again, what was he expecting? The job titles was _plumber_.

"I'm _so_ happy for you," Lovino grumbled.

"I'm really sorry about this."

With that, Lovino stopped trying to move. "Whatever. It's not like you let the turtles in your house."

"_Ludwig! I think I found two more!"_ came words from further down the pipe. Lovino groaned and buried his face into Antonio's shoulder.

"I want to die."

"But people have come to rescue us!" Antonio protested. "Why would you want to die _now_?"

"I'm being saved by Honda and stupid again. On my last day. There's nothing left to live for."

"What about a date?" Antonio could have winced at that. He sounded like Francis. Or Gilbert. Though Francis would have done it more smoothly and Gilbert would have done it more sleazy. Lovino pulled back from him and from the limited light in the sack he could tell the man was glaring at him.

"Why?"

"To get to know each other better! Why else do people go on dates?"

From outside of their sack-y little world, someone came up to them and was cutting at their binds. "Please have patience, I am cutting you loose!" It did not seem as if Lovino was going to give him an answer. Which was fair enough, Antonio decided this was probably a terrible time. This could not have been one of Lovino's better days and they were currently being cut out of a sack and rope. Yes, Antonio had had better timing in his life. Finally, they were released and both of them squirmed out of the sack.

"You're buying," Lovino muttered to him, "so consider it added to your tab."

* * *

"I like Ludwig's brother, he's funny," Feliciano told him as Lovino continued to tend to his cuts. "Like Ludwig! Except not. Y'know?"

"I don't want to," Lovino snorted.

"Kiku said he would let me see his Yoshi when it hatched. Isn't that exciting!"

"Don't you have your own headache to bother?" Lovino sighed, closing himself up in his own room, for however long that would keep his brother out. He really hated when he became worried about Feliciano and he ended up perfectly fine. No large cuts, or broken bones, or anything that would have been worth all that worry. And Ludwig and Kiku with all of the credit for the stupid venture. At least he was getting paid.

_Six o'clock tomorrow, huh?_

The money was already taken care of, but Lovino figured the rest of the expense he was certain he had incurred required a few dinners. Antonio was not getting off easy. He would milk as many dates out of the idiot as he could to make up for _everything_.

_And a few more easy jobs ought to even things out. Yeah. We'll retire next month._

Exhausted, Lovino went to sleep.

* * *

_Meanwhile, someone else's day was not _quite_ as interesting..._

"Hello Francis~ Working hard?"

"Angelique!" Francis responded warmly, quite ready to take a break, right when he saw the man who was standing with her. "A–Arthur," he finished, no longer quite as cheerful as he had once been. Staring between both of them, he tried to think fast. "I can explain."

"Can you?" Arthur asked, raising an eyebrow, before glancing over at Angelique. Francis nodded quickly.

"You see... we had never agreed on our relationships being _closed_..." he began, knowing the reactions were likely to be bad, but it was true enough and the people they would really be mad at were themselves. It was either that or something that meant he was going to get slapped and punched, so it was really his safest bet.

Angelique giggled though, which admittedly was not the sort of reaction he had thought she would have. Nor Arthur, for that fact, who was now leaning against the counter with his arms, staring up at him with amusement. It was almost as if _they_ had pulled something on _him_, not the other way around! Angelique was sitting on the counter and neither of them looked... upset.

"I can explain too," Arthur continued, kissing him. Angelique laughed again, this time quietly, stroking his hair.

Francis knew he had just struck gold.

* * *

_Thanks DF, for the pushing wall idea. I forgot how much I hated those levels in Mario._

Lo Specchio L'Argento,_ by Rhapsody of Fire. Listen to it, DF and I both think that that Fabio Lione is the true voice of Italy. In Italian._

_I had no idea what I was doing with this, but I think it reflects the world of Mario well enough and the randomness that Hetalia normally is anyway. I hope this part has given you laughs as well, DeLurk. And happy belated birthday!  
_


End file.
